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What is your fondest BTEG memory?

For those unfamiliar, BTEG — the “Bitter, Twisted, Evil Guys” — was an old gaming clan and IRC channel I was associated with from late 1998 to somewhere around 2006 or so.

We had a lot of fun over the years, and I can’t really pick out one thing. (And not because it’s all a blur of ASCII and gibs.)

Actually, that’s not true. I had a lot of fun during the Radio Free Tampa broadcasts. These two guys from Florida would do this live, gaming-themed streaming audio show complete with music and call-ins, while interacting with people on IRC.

Now you have to remember, this was before widespread broadband. Almost every listener was maxing out their 56k connection, and the ‘studio’ connection would easily be sapped. So, the RFT guys eventually had it set up so that some people would act as ‘repeaters’, sharing their upstream connections among the would-be listeners.

But it was great. We’d all gather together on IRC at the start of the show once a month or so (if I remember right) and have an awesome time.

Channel raids were always fun.

We didn’t play together very often, like other clans, but when we did it was definitely good times.

Cougar. Not One of Us.

That one guy who almost called the FBI because I convinced him that I was an abused child. (Yeah, not really funny at all, but like they say, you had to be there.)

Uh, I better wrap this up.

Is “she” me?

Maybe.

If Shatner is to Ant Invader, then Nimoy…

…just might be Gort!

The big hand is at 12 and the small hand is at 3, what time is it?

Well, that depends. Is it AM or PM? (No, wait…)

Better than formsprng, try [spam URL deleted]

May your severed head frozen forever in a silent scream, be some day discovered 50 miles away from your other body parts, you spamming scumbag.

Why didn’t you answer my question?

The public is simply not ready. But, in time, they will all bow down to the Sycorax.

Sycorax strong.

Sycorax mighty.

Sycorax rock.

Who are you referring to when you said “There’s one person I’d willingly do stuff for free of charge, though…”?

I plead the fifth. She knows who she is. (Probably.)

Oh, and also: your mom.

Would you rather: a time machine or teleportation device?

So I can go anywhere I want in the present, OR I can go back in time and try to correct all the mistakes I now regret in my life?

Time machine – no contest.

(Oh, and then I can go forward in time and pick up a cheap teleporter from 2382. By that point I am basically a low-rent Time Lord.)

What does it feel like to have a buddy in the business; having appeared in a commercial for girard toyota where a small girl saves your life and catches your ice cream in her mitten?

Whoo boy! It’s bloody FANTASTIC, let me tell you!

For all it’s advantages, it’s tough though. Always being in competition for the same acting jobs.

But…when the cornchips hit the sidewalk they’ve always got my back, and likewise I have theirs.

Little behind the scenes trivia for you, regarding that Toyota commercial: it was actually based on a true story. (Oh, and while the ice cream was real, the girl, however, was completely computer animated.)

What is the average velocity of a mallard duck on rollerskates traveling downhill at a 45-degree angle, both with and without a pebbly surface?

My extensive, and quite often very expensive five minute research reveals a probability of 20-30 mph.

On a pebbly surface, you would be doing roughly 60-80 mph because you’d be in an ambulance with massive cuts because you tripped and fell face first into the rocks.

When you say “balls-out” stupid, do you really mean it?

Absolutely! I’ve got them all lined up and ready for action: soccer ball, football, puck ball.

Have you ever eaten paste (glue)?

Not that I can remember, however… when I was really young, in my art class I was totally addicted to glazing my hands with Elmer’s wood glue and then peeling it off.

It was as addictive as popping packing material bubbles. (…and probably still is…)

What is your favorite color?

Black.

Though if you mean a REAL color and not just the absence of it (or all of it, depending on your medium), then that would be violet. But it’s a particular shade of violet. Kind of a bluish-violet.

And when it’s the precise shade, it makes my eyes bug out like electricity. Vaguely intoxicating!

If I might expand on this, I like certain color combinations too.

Orange and blue.

Dark grey and orange.

And every now and then black with gold accents catches my eye.

As a kid I used to be obsessed with gold and silver crayons.

If I made you a hat out of glow in the dark LEGO bricks, would you wear it?

Possibly. Though now I can’t stop thinking about hats made from meat.

First word that comes to your mind when I meantion candleja-

Rope?

If asked to describe yourself as shy or reserved, which would apply and why?

If we haven’t made eye contact, or you otherwise don’t know I exist, I’d say I’m usually “shy” since I tend to avoid human contact unless it’s unavoidable. But once you spot me, the jig is up. I’m like Waldo, in a sense.

I don’t really see “reserved” being the opposite of shy, and can’t think of a reason one can’t be BOTH shy and reserved. In fact, they seem to complement each other.

That said, it’s just like with “shy”. Sometimes I show great self-restraint. Sometimes I get balls-out stupid. Usually it’s restrained, though.

If I am colorblind in my right toe with a green bracelet that I hold on my ear which way does the wind blow the packets on a north facing slope when the sun is highest in the ocean?

Five. Except in Georgia. Then it’s six.

How much money would it take you to do stuff?

Hey! Doing stuff is what I do.

Hell, it’s my middle name. And it’s my last name.

“Toby Stuff Stuff”.

For most stuff, $50 is the basic price. Stuff for charity drops my charge to about $25. Once or twice when I was desperate, I’ve done some stuff in the $5 range.

There’s one person I’d willingly do stuff for free of charge, though…

Occasionally some major stuff comes along and my usual rate simply won’t cover the usual expenses. In those rare cases, I simply won’t budge for less than $1000.

I know, I know… that’s a lot of money. But you’re asking me to do some pretty crazy stuff here. I’m not unwilling, it’s just that I have bills to pay. Besides, sure, you can get some random goofball off the street to do stuff for next to nothing. But can you REALLY trust him with your stuff? I wouldn’t. That’s why I handle all my important stuff, myself. Most people think they’re experts at doing stuff, but most of them would just louse it up.

Not to toot my own horn here, but who else is as qualified at doing stuff as me? At a moments notice? At 3AM?

Let me prove to you that I’m your ‘goto guy’ when it comes to handling your stuff. I won’t let you down.

Choose. No AC on a jammed up I95 on a 99f day with high humidity, or no heat on an open road on a 30f day?

I used to have a van many years back. No AC. No heat. So I’ve been in both situations on numerous occasions.

30F/open, easily.

Nobody in my way to slow me down. And really, 30F isn’t that bad. Ask me again when it’s 12F and the roads are icy death traps and I’ll change my response. :P

What’s the deal with peaches? I mean, seriously. They’re fruit, but they’re furry. IT IS NOT RIGHT.

We’ve all heard the stories about the mythical “fur-fruit”, and frankly I’m getting tired of hearing about it.

Everyone has an uncle or friend-of-a-friend who says they know *someone* who’s encountered one.

In the decades since Neil Armstrong first joked with reporters claiming witness to them on the moon, conspiracy theorists across the globe unhinged their jaw and swallowed the idea whole.

Yet after all this time, not one scrap of hair, not one juicy drop, nor one pit has ever surfaced as evidence.

Either cough up some hard proof, or go to hell.

PEACHES DON’T EXIST.

Will you give us ample warning before you take over the world?

Your question hinges on the assumption this hasn’t yet happened.

However ominous that sounds: relax. I let it go again. Woosh! Come and gone. It’s far too much responsibility, and frankly the henchmen were getting bored. If you’re ever thinking of doing it, take my advice and skip it. Take up bowling or something. Far more engaging.

Who is your favorite incarnation of the Doctor? Who is your favorite companion? What was your favorite childhood toy?

1) Oh, that’s easy: Tom Baker. No contest.

Look, I know it’s common to have whoever the current Doctor was when you started watching, be, by default, your favorite one. I mean, it makes sense: he’s what got you hooked on the show. However, by the time I started watching it on PBS, Peter Davison was almost ready to pass on the torch to #6, Colin Baker.

The reruns I watched were of the third, fourth, and fifth Doctor’s mostly, with a few beyond each end of the spectrum now and then. I would show a lot less interest in the show whenever it wasn’t a fourth Doctor story.

Tom just a certain devlish charm. I can’t quite place my finger on it. When I think Doctor Who, Tom Baker is THE face of it in my mind. Even today.

I *can* say, however, that Christopher Eccleston’s Doctor captured a lot of what I love about Tom’s. That’s probably why the Ninth Doctor is my favorite so far out of the two (excellent) postmillennial Time Lords. We’ll find out early this year if that will be challenged! ;)

2) This one is a bit harder, since I don’t have nearly as good a memory of the companions before the 2005 episodes. Lalla Ward’s Romana was criminally attractive, though I remember little of her as a *character*. K9 was the shiz-knight, of course. Ace sounded like she might have been fun, but I’ve seen almost none of the Seventh Doctor’s episodes. (But I do find him pretty awesome.) In the 2005 and later episodes… Rose was great most of the time. After they give Mickey some glands, he turned out to be cool, too. Captain Jack, of course, in the handful of eps he was in. Sarah Jane Smith & K9 were quite badass as well, in that one episode… and then she got her own spin-off, and the less we talk of that the better.

3) I don’t really think I had one, specific toy that I worshiped above others. I had some Transformers (how little things have changed there), some He-Man figs, GI Joe… I would lust longingly over a very large Voltron that actually came apart into five VERY NICE lions. That was a MEAN metal mutha, if I remember correctly. Charlie from LOST got one in a Christmas Day flashback…the bastard.

This other company, “Playmates” I think, bought the rights to make Voltron toys and they ended up all turning into simplistic garbage that altered the toy designs greatly just so they could actually crowbar full size action figures into robot lions. Terrible.

As for a toy I actually *owned*, well, I have a pretty strong memory of this awesome gigantic Millenium Falcon that opened up. Loved all the detailing that decorated the outside of it. Damned fine little ship. Wonder where it went?

I also remember being rather obsessed with glow in the dark Lego bricks.

Are you more of a talker or more of a listener?

Speak up, sonny!

Are you going to date my mom?

That depends. How old is she? I only date lovely delicious cougars in the 95-100 years young range. Meeeeow!

sup

Hey, not much, amigo. Just getting ready to do my taxes. Thinking of kicking back with some Battlestar Galactica, afterward. Maybe some do laundry.

What’s new with you?

…

Yo? Are you okay, bro? You don’t look so good.

Hel-LOOOOoooo….?

**waves hand in front of your face**

Dude…? DUDE! HELLO?!

Stop it, goddamn it. This isn’t funny. You’re scaring me.

I’m serious. Don’t play games like this.

**checks your pulse**

Wha… oh god… oh god… ohgodohgodohgod…

**calls 911**

PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE! Hello? 911? It’s this person here — PLEASE! SEND HELP. They’re not moving. Ohgodohgod…

Pulse? Yes, I… I checked…

My name? What? Who cares! WHY AREN’T YOU SENDING A FUCKING ABULA–

What? My address? Oh god…uhm…I’m at www.formspring.me. West Internet.

You’re sending an EMT? Oh, thank god. HURRY!!! PLEASE.

Hurry…

**takes $5 out of your wallet**

How many countries have you traveled to?

Five. Except none of them are on Earth. You’ve never heard of them, so I won’t get into the boring details.

I will say this, though: an entire continent filled with kittens. Space vacation spot of 2036. You heard it here first, folks.

Erasmus or Fenris?

“Erasmus’ Rootin’ Tootin’ Root Beer” got me pretty sick, so I’m going with Fenris by default.

Hardly seems right to break them up though…

Are you my future father?

Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

where’s some good art i can steal for my homework?

Physically stealing art is so…1911, wouldn’t you say?

Nowadays, the *efficient* art thief need only scour the Wikipediagooglenets for their target works of choice and, with a little luck, they will be rewarded an unretouched, high-resolution facsimile of the art in question!

After replacing the color AND black ink cartridges in your HP inkjet photo printer, you can print as many of history’s masterpieces as you like! (Generally up to 2 or 3 before refilling, though.)

And, of course, I need not suggest the obvious next step of placing it in a frame and selling it for $50 on your favorite auction site.

Good thieving to you!